Melting Pot

Never Again/Always

I can never seem to decide how I feel about a certain someone who will henceforth be referred to on this blog as A(nonymous). Not that I plan to talk about him much ever again, but stranger things have happened. But that is beside the point. There are days I feel angry. There are days I am consumed by hurt. Most days are a confusing medley of anger, hurt, bitterness, and regret while some stupid, stubborn part of me still wants to cling to hope that somehow, someday, it will work out. More days than I care to admit still include tears. I was never given any reason to doubt. But, I was never really given any reason to trust, either. But I did. It felt so right that trusting came naturally – which was strange and terrifying because I don’t normally trust. And my broken heart now is why. That is the inevitable result of letting someone in. I don’t think I can do it again. Not after this time. The pain runs too deep. And what’s scary about this is that, this is how it feels nearly four years after the betrayal. I’ve spent the time since the day I realized I had been completely misled trying desperately to convince myself there was still something left to fight for, though in truth it probably never existed in the first place. I’ve continued to forgive and believe the lies because I just could not face the truth. Even though I finally faced the reality of the situation, I still just can’t seem to get over it.

Time is supposed to make it hurt less. It always did before when a relationship ended. So why isn’t it helping this time? Every time I think I’ve reached a point where I can let go and be ok, I realize I’m still not there yet. Not even close. I’m not sure I will ever get there…

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2 thoughts on “Never Again/Always

    1. It’s just hard in so many ways. He’s very much “the one that got away” – I don’t know if our timing was just off or what. I just know I was lied to in the cruelest of ways with the situation and he just… broke me. Not sure the pieces can ever be put back together again.

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