I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my love life, or the lack-there-of to be more accurate. I’m pretty sure the husband thing is just never going to happen for me. Kids are definitely a no-go at this point. “But you are still young, you have plenty of time!” you say? Well, not really. Reproductive system issues aside, it takes time to find someone to settle down with. Once you find them it would be nice to enjoy a few years of just you and them before bringing kids into the picture. Creating a family takes YEARS. Reproductive system issues re-entering the picture: I just don’t have the years necessary anymore. I’m learning to be OK with that.
As for the husband… Time is not as much of an issue there. What IS an issue is I have been hurt too much and just don’t even want to try anymore. Sure it would be nice. Yeah I’m lonely. Yeah certain times pop up that being alone REALLY sucks, if y’all know what I mean. But I just don’t want to take that chance again. I don’t care how “worth it” you say it is. The last time I let someone in was the last time. That person proved to me once and for all, you can’t let anybody in. All they will do is break you. I’m done. I’m sick of the mind games and the frustration, the lies and excuses. I’m just done. A romantic relationship is not in the cards for me any more than having a child of my own is. The husband search is over, dead and buried and it’s best this way.
However having some companionship in life would be nice. I’d not object to having a sugar daddy, if I could find one who was agreeable to my rules on the matter. Granted most men in such a position want a sugar baby who is young and slender and beautiful – three things which I am not. I’m officially in the over-thirty crowd and inching ever closer to mid-thirties, used to be thin but life, various illnesses/medications over the years, and a love of food have caught up to my adult metabolism (sigh), and I might pass for pretty in dim lighting if you squint and tilt your head at a slight angle, but I am certainly not beautiful. (OK OK OK…. Maybe I am being too harsh on myself but confidence in my appearance is not something I possess. Maybe I am pretty, but you will never convince me of anything more than just pretty. I’ve no illusions about my looks.)
But with all that said, I know everyone likes different things and it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round. I may not be sugar baby material at this point in my life, at least not the stereotypical kind. But perhaps “sugar lady” material to the right kind of considerate and caring man with a desire to be a “sugar fella”. Cause “sugar daddy” just isn’t quite the right terminology, I don’t think, and I can’t come up with a better word than fella at the moment.
At this point you may be thinking I am kidding. But I am not. If I could find the right man interested in such an arrangement – monetary imbursement in exchange for regular platonic companionship with further more detailed rules/expectations to be discussed privately with that man when making arrangements – I would absolutely do it. I fear finding a man agreeable to such an arrangement with me would probably be even more difficult than finding a man to marry has been. I wouldn’t have the first clue how to even find such a man regardless. But maybe I’ll be lucky. Probably not. I don’t have the greatest track record with good luck. But there’s a first time for everything, right?