Future Husband Application
Open position now available for a future husband. Duties include but are not limited to: Financially providing for your future *housewife, destruction and removal of all creepy crawlies (note that this requires special skills in learning to recognize the panicked tone in your future wife’s voice when she calls you so that you immediately recognize the need for this duty to be performed and react quickly), preparing occasional meals, picking up after yourself (having a doting housewife is not an excuse to be a heathen), taking over household chores should your future wife be ill or otherwise unable to perform her duties for a period of time, offering comfort in difficult times, celebrating successes with your future wife, etc. Previous experience as a husband is not required. Having previous experience will not help or hinder your chances of being accepted for this position, however do please only apply if your previous position has legally been terminated. Proof of termination of previous position(s) is requested to be sent along with this application if you have previous husband experience.
* Your future wife desires to be a housewife, however retains the option of taking on a job outside the home (or working from home) if she so chooses.
Applicants must be male US residents aged 35-45. If you feel this position may be for you, please fill out this application and submit it to your future wife for consideration via email. (Email address is located on the “contact” page of this blog.) Please note that all questions are mandatory. Failure to answer all questions will result in your application being ignored. When submitting your application, you must also include at least two current color photographs of yourself (G rated photos only – failure to comply with the G rated requirement will result in your immediate disqualification for the position), proof of identification (photocopied passport or birth certificate are acceptable), and a certificate of good conduct (a local police check and/or FBI records).
Your full name: ______________________________________________
Date of birth: ____________________
Current location: __________________________________________
Current place of employment: _____________________________________________________
How long have you been at your current place of employment? _______________________________
What is your religion? _______________________________________
Are you willing to be with someone who does not share your religious beliefs? _____________
Do you smoke? ______________
Do you drink? _______________
Do you have any children? _______________
If yes: How many? _______________
Please list their names and ages:
Do you desire more children? If yes, how many? ___________________________
If you do not have children: Do you desire children? If yes, how many? __________________________
Where do you stand politically? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you feel about pets inside the home?
What are four fiction books you would give me?
What are four non-fiction books you would give me?
What kind of music do you listen to?
How do you feel about country music?
I have had a bad day. What do you to to try to help me feel better?
A portion of each of your paychecks is provided to me to purchase groceries and other household necessities such as cleaning products, personal hygiene products, kitchen gadgets, small appliances etc. How much is provided to me for these purchases? (Please state a dollar amount, not a percentage.)
At what point is a single item too expensive for me to decide to make the purchase without consulting you first?
In addition to the above amount of money provided for household necessities, a portion of your paycheck is provided to me as an “allowance” with which I may do anything I please without first consulting you. How much is provided to me as an “allowance”? (Again, please list a dollar amount not a percentage.)
Our home should be kept at a comfortable _______ degrees Fahrenheit.
In which type of area would you rather live?
[ ] Metropolitan
[ ] Urban
[ ] Suburban
[ ] Rural
[ ] Country
[ ] Mountains
I’ve had a medical procedure that required being knocked out. Afterward, in my still drugged up and out of it state of mind, I am providing you with an awful lot of amusement that you know I will not remember at all later. What do you do?
[ ] Enjoy the show while taking care of me the best you can, knowing I will be back to myself soon.
[ ] Same as above, but also take mental notes whilst laughing your ass off at me so that you can share my antics with me later.
[ ] Record video and take pictures which are shared with everyone we know, including posting them to your social media accounts.
It’s Valentine’s Day! What are we doing to celebrate?
[ ] I am cooking a homemade meal for you. We are staying in for a candlelight dinner then will snuggle on the couch while watching one of your favorite chick flicks and enjoying other romantic activities.
[ ] Nothing, it’s a stupid holiday.
[ ] Get dressed up, doll, because we’re going out dancing and to a fancy restaurant downtown for dinner!
I leave my cell phone on the table. Do you:
[ ] Only touch it if you need to use it (ie to make a call, check the time etc.)
[ ] Have a look. Afterall, we have no secrets…
[ ] Do nothing. It’s my personal property.
We are visiting with your family, and someone says something rude/insulting to/about me. You:
[ ] Laugh/make a joke at my expense.
[ ] Immediately defend me.
[ ] Do nothing.
[ ] Other (Please explain)
It’s Christmas. Where are we?
[ ] At one of my relative’s homes.
[ ] At one of your relative’s homes.
[ ] At our home, with both our families visiting us.
[ ] It depends on where we were last year, we rotate to make things fair.
My toothbrush falls in the toilet. What do you do?
[ ] Put it back in the holder, I’ll never know.
[ ] Wash it, put it back, and eventually tell me.
[ ] Wash it, put it back, and promptly forget about it.
[ ] Replace it immediately.
Please complete the following sentences using their, there, or they’re:
__________ house was listed for sale this week.
Please put this book over ________ for me.
I think ________ meeting us at six.
Please complete the following sentences using too, two, or to:
He is going to the concert ________.
________ birds landed at the feeder at the same time.
She decided she would walk ________ the library instead of driving, since the weather was nice.
In 200 words or less, define what marriage means to you.
Please explain why you should be chosen for this position in 350-500 words.
The following is a partial list of benefits the selected applicant will receive:
Never having to grocery shop again unless wife is ill or otherwise unable. (Of course if you want to go, that is totally fine as well.)
All birthday/Christmas gifts for both sides of the family will be purchased on your behalf. Cards will be signed and mailed in a timely manner on your behalf as well.
Diamond gifts are limited to: engagement ring/wedding band, one pair of earrings, and one bracelet. No further jewelry is required. Your future wife is rather picky about jewelry and does not wear much, so please be certain of her preferences before purchasing any of these items!
A “guy’s night” on a bi-weekly (every two weeks/twice per month) basis, or a monthly basis if children are present.
Wife is entitled to a “girl’s night” on the same schedule. Husband and wife may both go out the same night provided a reliable babysitter is available if children are present, otherwise they must schedule accordingly so that one may remain home with the children.
Husband will never be told to sleep on the couch.
Wife will support husband even if she does not agree with his decisions.
Wife will see you off to work each morning with a kiss, and will have a lunch packed for you if you take lunch to work with you.
Wife will greet you with a kiss upon your return home from work each day.
Wife will refrain from saying “I told you so” too often. She cannot promise to never say this, however.
Selected applicant must agree to participate in a courting period prior to engagement. This courting period is necessary to ensure compatibility with future wife. Duration of the courting period cannot be predicted due to too many unknown variables.