It’s getting to be that time of year again, and I can’t help but let my thoughts drift to what was, what is no longer, what could and should have been… I can’t help myself. I’m never sure if I want to feel happy or sad when I think back on some things. When my mind throws certain memories at me, I’m struck by both emotions, as well as others, and I am left feeling simultaneously overwhelmed yet empty and unfulfilled. Which probably doesn’t make any sense at all. But maybe it does. It has been almost a year now, since various things happened in my life that I am still having a hard time accepting and dealing with. Oh, sure… in my head it all makes perfect sense, the way things worked out. My head can understand. My head can wrap itself around the logic of it all, and say “It’s all as it should be.” But my heart is another story entirely. My heart is still utterly confused and frustrated, my heart cannot understand, my heart cannot let go. My heart is still broken. In my heart, I still so very much want things I cannot have back, and things I (thought I) was so close to having. I tell myself that I’m ready to let go, and sometimes I almost believe it. But almost doesn’t count. And though I can lie to the world about how I feel about certain things, certain people; I can’t lie to myself, no matter how hard I try.
I managed to get my phone to mostly cooperate enough tonight that I was able to get a phone call to my dad in. I don’t bother with my phone much these days since nine times out of ten the blasted thing doesn’t work anymore. But I do try, every now and then. We managed to talk for almost an hour, which was nice. And a bit unusual for us. But it had been a while, and for once he was not having to rush off to get to work, so we had the time to catch up a bit.
J and I had a nice weekend. We didn’t do shit, but it was nice because we got to hang out together. We watched Hocus Pocus and had a Pretty Little Liars marathon. Yes, he humors me. I’m glad he’s willing to indulge me and watch stuff I enjoy, even when it’s stuff he is not particularly into. We do both like Charmed, so perhaps we’ll eventually get a chance to work our way through watching that together. For now though we’re trying to get him caught up to where I am with PLL. The last episode I watched by myself was the last of season 3. We’re almost there for watching together. And I’m mad that some folks blab and spoil things online cause a while back I saw something I did NOT want to see on Instagram regarding something that happens in season 4. Darn you people. I thought what I was looking at was safe from spoilers as it was not actually directly related to PLL, but no; people have to be goobers and leave comments that contain spoilers, even though the content they are commenting on is not about the show. ARGH. -_-
I’ve finally begun a new crochet project that’s for myself. It took quite a while to settle on which yarn to use, and then took even longer to decide what to make. And I’m quite afraid I won’t have enough yarn to finish it. But, we’ll see. I’ll share more in the future about this project; I’d like to get a bit further with it before I give any details. Not that it makes a difference one way or another.
It’s after 1AM, I’m not sure if I am still wide awake or if I’ve reached that point where you’re so tired you don’t feel tired anymore. It’s funny how that works, isn’t it? But either way I suppose I ought to at least try to sleep.