“Changed” seems to be the theme of my life right now. So I have changed the theme of the blog to give it a new look. I figured why not. I move furniture and rearrange things in the house from time to time just to change things and keep life interesting, so why not do the same on the blog right?
Some of the things that have changed in my life over recent months and weeks have been easier to accept than others. Some have been incredibly painful, while others bring a sense of peace. Notice that I didn’t say what I usually say about these things – that some changes were good and some were bad. I’ve decided that ultimately, all changes wind up being good. The situations might be bad – but the resulting changes are always good. Because even though things might be difficult or painful, though they may cause a lot of drama, frustration, hurt feelings and all sorts of other negative things… in the end they make us stronger, and we learn important lessons from them. And that makes them good.
I am not as strong as a lot of people think I am. I just know how to put on a brave face for the world. Some people say that alone means that I am stronger than I claim to be. But I do not agree. Putting a smile on your face and pretending that you are handling difficult situations well when inside you are falling apart is not strong… it’s simply doing what you have to do because you have no other choice. It does not mean that at the end of the day when you crawl into bed and slip under the covers that you’re ok. No one will ever know the amount of tears I have cried, the sleepless nights I have spent worrying, re-living events I wish so much I could forget, or how many times I’ve woken from bad dreams about the things I’ve been through in recent weeks. Even admitting to those things here is not giving anyone any idea at all what it’s really been like.
Even though I am not as strong as people think for how I’ve handled what I have been through, I know that eventually the pain of it all will fade and it will make me stronger than I am right now. Maybe not much, but every bit counts.
I am trying hard to move forward. I am looking for new opportunities to get myself out of the situation I am in, and have been in for far too long, so that I can be in a better place and be generally happier with my life and myself. I can’t change the mistakes I made in the past. I will continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life. I am only human, afterall. But I am determined to always do my best to look for the good in even the worst situations, to see some positive outcome somewhere down the road from every battle I have to face.
I have spent my life trying to change things for the better for other people, to be there for other people, to please everyone else in my life but me. And it is long over-due that I stop doing that, and I start making changes for myself instead. It won’t be easy, and I am bound to fall back into old habits. But I have to at least try, or nothing will really change the way I need it to.
It’s time I take care of myself for a change, and let other people figure out how to deal with things on their own instead of dumping them on me.