Hear that ticking? I don’t see how you can’t. It was soft till about a year ago – easy to ignore. It gradually got louder over the past couple years of course, but this past year or so it has apparently decided to become a constant pain in the butt. Now it’s loud and incessant and I fear it’s about to stop in favor for even louder alarms.
That would be my biological clock. And it’s starting to scream at me that I am running out of time. As if I didn’t know that already…
I used to want babies, when I was younger. Got a little older and decided that no kids are not for me, “at least not right now”. And now I’m even older and I am realizing that I really DO want babies. I want them so much I can’t stand it. Even just a year ago I was on the fence about having kids of my own. Sometimes I thought it was a nice idea but most of the time it was not really something I wanted to deal with. Late last year I noticed that was not so much the case anymore. And it seems like every single day that damn ticking I hear gets louder and more persistent and more often I think I do want babies. I find myself gravitating to the baby departments of the stores I shop in, lingering and taking my time looking at toys and clothes, bottles, strollers, bouncy seats, blankets etc. And I find myself wishing so much that I had a need for all those things.
I wish it would stop. I mean, without a husband there will be no babies. And my ring finger is still quite depressingly naked. I can’t exactly go and have a baby by myself. That damned biological clock of mine does not seem to care – all it wants to do is harass me over the lack of children, husband or not.
I knew I was feeling this way for a while, now. But I didn’t realize how strongly I felt about this till this morning. I was browsing Amazon for some new cake pans and happened to stumble onto some shaped pans. The roses and butterflies and castles all made me wish for a little girl. And then I saw the pan that really made my heart ache. It has individual wells to make little 3-D train car cakes. And all I could think was that I HAVE to order that pan asap, so that I will have it in case I ever have a little boy who likes trains. I WANT a little boy, who likes trains. Oh I know little girls like trains too. But when I saw that stupid cake pan it triggered an image in my mind that now I can’t erase – of the most adorable little boy in the world, playing with trains, wearing blue jeans and a cute red plaid shirt, and his birthday party with colorful balloons and all his little friends and bags and boxes of presents all around and a sheet cake with the little train cakes on top… and yeah just for the record this adorable little boy had an equally adorable baby sister.