Melting Pot


This is another copy-paste from Jenna’s Gofundme page. With one exception: I’d like to add I have found a stainless steel paw print cremation locket that has replaced the silver one on the wish list on the Gofundme page. It can be engraved, which I’d like a lot to have Jenna’s name on it… and I can wear stainless steel with no problems unlike silver which makes me itch.

It is done. My Jenna girl is no longer in pain. I chose to be present for her euthanization. Part of me really did not want to be there… but it was not about me. It was about Jenna and what was best for her, and being there for her in a time of need just like she was there for me so many times over the last almost nine years. Even though it did hurt to be there, it would have hurt more to have not been with her right to the end. I owed her that. She deserved to be with loved ones as she heads for the rainbow bridge.

We will be called when her ashes are ready to be picked up. In the mean time, I had added a wish list to this page which shows the necklace and pendant I would like to get. The pendant I am not sure of actually, simply because it’s sterling silver and silver usually makes me itch. If I can find something similar in gold I will change the wish list to reflect that. The pendant is a cremation locket – a tiny bit of Jenna’s ashes will be placed in it and then it is sealed shut. So I can always have a part of her with me…

The goal amount for this page has been updated to reflect the new total owed on the vet bill. I did NOT include the cost of the necklace or pendant for that – those are things that will be taken care of after the bill has been paid.

This was not posted to Gofundme but I feel a need to talk/type right now.:

The house is so strangely quiet, right now… and you know something odd happened. The vet has a “no cell phones” rule so upon entering I turned my phone off and slipped it in my pocket. When we were leaving I pulled my phone out to turn it on… and it was already on. My phone’s wallpaper is a collage of pictures of Jenna.

The last couple of days with Jenna, I swear whenever she would look at me I could see it in her eyes that she knew we would be saying goodbye to each other soon. There were times when I would hear her asking for help… that might sound crazy to some of you but I know others will understand and not think it’s crazy at all. I did all I could for my baby girl. And when we finally got the final diagnosis from the vet today… we did the only thing that could be done and ended her pain. The final diagnosis, if you are wondering, is that it was cancer. It was not breast cancer though; I cannot recall the name of the type of cancer that it was. I looked over the chart numerous times but none of what it said really registered. I know it was abbreviated as “SSC” and the vet said it is the number one cancer found in cats and number two found in dogs but in all the years he has been a vet he has never seen a case like Jenna’s. It is a cancer that usually effects the mouth/face region. Hers, however, was in her breast tissue. It was such a large mass that there was no hope for treating it. It would not have responded to chemo, only radiation if it had been a smaller, treatable mass. It just came on too fast and too strong for us to be able to catch it in time to do anything. Other than what we did do, I mean.

My heart is broken. I miss my girl so much already. She was such a strong, brave girl. She remained alert and calm right through the very end. She had not lost any of her senses at all which most dogs in her condition would have.

I have not decided what I am going to do with her things yet. Rascal high-jacked most of the toys when she first came home with us earlier this year but one little toy in particular was Jenna’s favorite and she never let Rascal take that one. It’s a tiny little toy giraffe. I took it with us to the vet tonight so she could have it with her. She nosed it a bit just before the first shot kicked in, and looked at me and I swear she said “thank you”…  but anyway back to that toy, I do not intend to give it to Rascal. But I don’t know what I will do with it. For now I will probably find a box to put it in along with Jenna’s harness, collar, leash, and a few other random things.

It’s kind of crazy. I watched an episode of Dick Van Dyke before bed last night. (One of my very favorite shows.) I didn’t pick a specific episode I just randomly picked one… and it was the one where Rob has to bring two baby ducks home from work and Richie wants to keep them as pets, one gets sick and dies and then the remaining duck also gets sick and they take it to the vet and are told it will be fine provided it returns to the wild. So Rob takes it to the lake to set it free. And when he comes home and tells Richie, Richie is upset and wants his duck back. And Rob explains that wanting to keep an animal, even though it is sick, is “selfish love” and that when you really love someone you put their needs ahead of your own. It sort of fit the situation…

Anyway I am just rambling nonsense at this point. The man is going to be calling tonight to check on me; not sure what time he will be able to call all I know is he will call. In the mean time I am going to work on sanding the edges of the paw print keepsakes and getting them glazed so they can dry and I can thread ribbon through them and everything. And try to pull myself together so I am not a sniffling sobbing mess unable to speak when the man calls.


5 thoughts on “Farewell

  1. Hearing Jenna asking for help is not crazy at all, Leah. Neither is hearing her say “thank you.” When the human-animal bond is as deep as yours and Jenna’s, connecting at critical moments can and does happen. It has happened to me more than once, and I know it has happened to many others. You had a very special connection with Jenna. As for Jenna’s giraffe, I agree with your feelings about withholding it from Rascal. Some things deserve a special kind of honor, and that’s just that.

    My heart is with you, sweet friend. I understand what you’re going through… Sending you love and healing… ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  2. I understand how you’re feeling, sweetness. Words are often difficult to find and most likely to fail when we are lost within the depths of grief…

  3. Oh, I have been down this same road several times. There are absolutely no words to describe such awful, searing pain. Nor are there words to comfort you at this time. Just try to remember that Jenna had a full and blessed life while with you. She was saved from a life of abuse/neglect or worse, being euthanized because no one wanted her. She was loved and she loved. It doesn’t get better than that. (((Leah)))

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