I am not feeling much better today than I did last night. Not quite the sobbing emotional wreck that I was last night, but feeling very frustrated about a lot of things and starting to get into a “just don’t give a fuck” kind of mindset. I don’t like that kind of mood, but it happens sometimes so I deal with it and try not to piss people off or push them away when it happens.
I need to scrub the floors and I really don’t want to… of all the chores there are to handle around the house scrubbing floors is among my top three most hated bits of housework. (The other two being dusting and wiping down the walls.) I’d rather clean the toilet than scrub the floor. And toilets are gross. It needs done though. So, I guess I have my evening planned.
I am trying to be optimistic about things, but it’s hard to be optimistic when history shows that it only leads to disappointment. It’s so much easier to be pessimistic. When you don’t expect much in the first place, you don’t get hurt as much.
I never did paint my room this month like I had hoped to do. I’m not sure I really want to at this point. It’s not that I like my room the way it is – I can’t stand it – but I just don’t know if it’s worth it to paint and fix it up. This house is falling apart in general. I’d prefer to just let go of the idea of painting my room and making it all pretty and comfortable and instead figure out a way to just live somewhere else in the hopefully not too distant future. Whether that is with the boyfriend (HA!…. let’s not go there right now… we can leave it at it’s just too damned complicated right now) or an apartment or a cardboard box under one of the many cozy bridges in downtown Pittsburgh… yes I am being sarcastic on that last one. The ideal solution to all my worries would be finding a rich man who wants a housewife to take care of and spoil… but we all know that’s never going to happen so I’m going to have to figure something else out instead.
I think I’ll go knit for a while. Trying to think up things to blog about right now is difficult. Just trying to put on a happy face and deal with the day right now. I keep trying to just get through each day as if everything is just fine, hoping that if I pretend long enough that eventually the pain will stop and everything really will be ok. So far, not to much. But maybe eventually…
Though I will manage a little smile and a “hello” to my uncle J who may have found time to stop in and read a bit. I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon one way or another. ♥