Melting Pot

Sense of Time

My sense of time is very skewed right now. I’ve decided I will not be posting about what’s happened. I just feel it’s better not to get into that in such a public way. I will sum it up by saying that someone I loved very, very much has passed away, and I’ve been having a very difficult time in dealing with it.

It’s been a week. It feels at once as if it has been a lifetime, and yet also as if it were just yesterday. I can’t fathom how it’s only and yet already been a week… I’ve not gotten much sleep. What sleep I do get tends to be fitful not restful. I’ve finally stopped crying so much. It was almost constant for the better part of the past week. I still cry a lot. But not uncontrollably. Random moments in the day I will just start crying.

The Mister somehow knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling regarding this loss, even though I had not said a word about my feelings to ANYONE. He somehow knew… and he comforted me and said everything that I needed to hear. I’m still struggling to put the thoughts I’ve been having out of my head, but I am accepting things a little better each day. Maybe not measurably, but surely. Sometimes I backtrack a bit in how “ok” I feel… but then it’s only been a week so I suppose that’s to be expected.

I’m just so grateful that the Mister knows me so well, and that he was able to offer me the love and comfort I needed when I needed it. I’m blessed to have him in my life, truly. I could not be more grateful.

The wonderful @JoeDonRooney offered me words of comfort as well, and that just meant everything to me.  I can’t possibly find words sufficient to express my gratitude for his love and support… “thank you” is all I can say but it does not seem nearly good enough.

Two songs have been on a constant loop in my mind as I deal with my grief; I’ve fired up my mp3 player with these songs a good bit as well. Both are by Rascal Flatts. There is something about these songs that is helping me a lot right now.

Let It Hurt

7:42 in the morning, 8 seconds before it all sinks in
Put your best face on for the world
Fake another smile and just pretend
But you’re just putting off the pain
Nothing’s ever really gonna change

So…let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
Let it burn to the worst degree
May not be what you want but it’s what you need
Sometimes the only way around it
Is to let love do its work
And let it hurt
Yeah let it hurt

3:28 in the morning, countin’ up the spaces between the rain
You’re getting used to the rocks at the bottom
Your heart goes numb but the lonely stays the same
That’s the price you’re bound to pay
And there’s really nothing anyone can say
Oh there’s only just one way

So…let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
let it burn to the worst degree
May not be what you but it’s what you need
Sometimes the only way around it
Is to let love do its work
So go on yeah let it hurt
Let it hurt

You might just find you’re better for it
When you let go and you learn…

To let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
Sometimes the only way around it
Is to let love do its work
So go on and let it hurt
Oh let it hurt

Changed

I came up out of the water
Raised my hands up the the father
Gave it all to him that day
Felt a new wind kiss my face

Walked away eyes wide open
Could finally see where I was going
It didn’t matter where I’d been
I’m not the same man I was then

I got off track I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place
Where souls get lost lines get crossed
And the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees now here I stand
There I was now here I am here I am
Changed

I got a lot of hey I’m sorry’s
The things I’ve done man that was not me
I wish that I could take it all back
I just want to tell ’em that, tell ’em that

I got off track I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place
Where souls get lost lines get crossed
And the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees now here I stand
There I was now here I am here I am

I’ve changed for the better
More smile less bitter
I’m even starting to forgive myself
Yes I am

I hit my knees now here I stand
There I was now here I am here I am here I am
I’m changed
Yes, I am
Here I am
I’m changed for the better
Here I am changed
Thank God I’m changed

I’m not ready to get back to blogging. I don’t know when that will happen. But I just wanted to make this post to say all things considered I am ok. Mostly, anyway. And I wanted to express my thanks to my wonderful Mister and to Joe Don for their comfort, love, compassion and support. And my wonderful friend Holly for her love and support as well. And of course, Gary, Jay and the other folks who have been helping me get through this difficult time. I may not have loads of people in my life like some folks do, but the people who are in my life are everything to me and I cherish every one of you more than you can possibly know.

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2 thoughts on “Sense of Time

  1. Sometimes, my friend, words just seem out of place when one is hurting from loss. I have no words to offer you, except to tell you I am holding you in my thoughts and sending you love… ♥ ♥ ♥

  2. My Friend I know how you are feeling and just know that as much as this hurts there is a time when you will meet again on the otherside, when you will laugh and touch and hug again. Time will be nonexistent then and you will rejoice in being together once more. So do not think of this as a death or a loss just a temporary change of zip codes that we all make at one time. Your love one had finished all they needed to do and is now resting and rejoicing on the otherside in loving light and unconditional love. Even though it hurts they are no longer physically here beside you they are within you and your heart and memory, your very soul keeps them walking with you until your turn comes to move to that other zip code as well. Bless you (hugs as I hand you a tissue)

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