I’ve still not really made any final decisions about anything. I’m still not in the right mindset to make big potentially life altering decisions. I suppose that’s a step in the right direction in itself, to realize I should not make important decisions when I am upset? I won’t even cut my hair right now because I know if I did it, I’d only be doing it out of absolute desperation and I’d regret it. Yes, it’s “just hair” and it grows back… but when you’re talking about cutting hair that is hip length+… unless you’ve had such long hair yourself you probably wouldn’t understand. And NO, contrary to what media/”experts” want everyone to think, not all women with such long hair are insecure or “hiding” behind their hair or some other such ridiculous nonsense. Maybe we have long hair because *gasp* we LIKE it! Imagine that…
I feel a bit better after talking to the Mister about everything that has been bothering me and causing me stress lately. I didn’t want to burden him with my worries. (My ex used to hate it when I tried to talk about my problems/feelings… he said “If I can’t fix it, I don’t want to hear about it”… I still have a lot of letting go to do in terms of things he did to my mind…) But he assured me that it was ok and he was there to listen. I’m still down, but with his understanding and support and love… I don’t quite feel so hopeless. I’ve been able to think a little more clearly.
I know one thing I need to do to really, fully find the peace I need in my life right now. Unfortunately, for a while at least, it’s not going to happen. I need to reconnect with the Earth right now. A problem with this is that thanks to a neighbor doing particularly twisted things I am fearful of walking in the woods like I used to. Especially alone. The alternative is sitting in the yard. But there is a problem with that one too. Being that there is no privacy in our yard. No matter where you sit, at least one neighbor has a clear view of you. I hate that. I want to be able to relax and tune everything out but the Earth and let my spirit wander where it needs to… and I can’t do that when I know my nosy neighbors are watching me.
We don’t have the money to fence in the yard. That would be the best solution. (Then the dog could go out whenever she wants and stay out however long she wants without being tied up in some manner.) I’m trying to think of ways I could build a little outdoor privacy screen of some sort to create a sitting area that’s as private as possible with our location. Where we are there just is no way to have 100% privacy… there’s going to be SOME open direction where a neighbor can see… but there is surely something that can be done to offer up enough privacy that I can sit outside and fully relax. The most obvious solution, and probably the easiest and most cost effective, is to get some lattice and then add to the privacy that offers with some climbing plants at the base of it. What plants could offer the longest extra privacy though, in terms of growing seasons? We have morning glory flowers galore but they only come up later in Summer. I need a plant that would come up early in Spring and last all through Fall. Hmmm. Climbing roses, perhaps? I think that could be lovely and even though the roses themselves would not bloom till a bit later in the year the stems would still offer up some degree of added privacy even through Winter. I’ll look at my favorite plant supplier (it’s about time to place an order, anyway) and see what I can find.
I’ve got a long, long way to go and quite a bit of work to do to get me there… but I think I am finally safely on my way to finding peace in my life again.