The weather is gorgeous today, finally. It’s supposed to be cold and glum again soon though. I hope that the forecast is wrong on that count. It’s wrong when you want it to be right, so why can’t it still be wrong when you want it to be wrong? Right? (Confused yet? lol)
I’m going to head outdoors for some sun and fresh air soon, before the sun begins it’s descent behind the hill and the cold night air begins to settle in. I’ve nothing to do outside at the moment. I am in desperate need of a shoot or two (or ten) but I’m not feeling this location right now. And why should I, really? I do not get to travel much. A girl can only photograph her back yard so much before everything starts to feel the same. I’ve no gardening to tend to. It’s still a tad too early for that yet. And even if it were time to get started on that, I don’t have any seeds or anything anyway. I’m not sure I’ll do much gardening at all this year to be honest. We’ll see. But my point is… I don’t really have anything to do outside right now; I have no inspiration. I just want to be there. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and the fresh air around me. So I suppose I’ll be going outside to sit and just… be.
I’ve picked up the habit, over the past few months, of browsing homes for sale in the areas in which I’d like to call home some day. I’ve found a several that are nice, a few have even made me utter the word “perfect”. I’ve fallen completely in love with a couple of them. I guess I just keep hoping that if I can find what I am looking for, somehow the universe will help me find a way to get it. I want a home of my own. I NEED a home of my own. Of course the problem with this dream is that I have no money. I doubt I ever will. I come from a family that has never known wealth. What I HAVE known in my life, however, is how to survive on almost nothing. There have been times our cupboards have been completely empty for weeks, save a box of cereal meant to feed three children and three adults. There have been birthdays celebrated with doughnuts from the grocery store because even a homemade cake was too much money. Bills have not been paid and utilities shut off not due to irresponsibility but simply because the money just is not there. As a child you understand circumstances far better than the adults in your life realize you do. The adults can put on a happy face for your sake and pretend everything is just fine… but you know it’s not really as ok as they say. (I was able to pick up on this even at three years old, anyway. I can’t speak for my siblings.) Growing up being teased and picked on for not having all the newest toys, for not having birthday parties, for not wearing expensive clothes or living in a fancy house… it makes you want a future better than that. You do everything in your power to have a future that’s better than that. So what do you do when, despite your best efforts… your adult life does not change, financially, from your childhood? I want a home of my own. I want a family some day, and I want to be able to give my future children the security I never had. But I don’t think it’s possible. This seems to be my lot in life, to struggle by and to have to make the most of very little. To stretch every penny, every bit of food, as far as it can possibly go. To every so often go without electricity or a phone or the internet for a few days because there’s no money to pay the bill… Things are especially hard right now thanks to someone hacking into my paypal account and overdrawing my bank account. My bank has been awesome but it’s still not resolved and my account is still overdrawn. I need to deposit $60 just to get out a balance of a couple dollars in there… and I just don’t have it. I only had about $7 in there before this happened. Losing my job last November really made things hard, but they got harder when I also lost my “job” walking my neighbor’s dog for her. For a couple years the little bit she paid me to walk the dog helped me get by… but since October she’s had her kids (who are not very responsible about it) doing it instead. I’ve got NOTHING coming in anymore. Yes I am lucky enough to (still) live with my father right now and he’s able to handle everything most of the time. But he does not make all that much money either, and with the added strain of him now having to handle my bills too… his money doesn’t get us as far as it did last year. I worry constantly. I literally can’t afford to get sick, or for anything to break.
I am constantly trying to find ways to make money. I don’t need to be rich. I just need to be able to get by. No one wants to publish my photos. No one wants to buy prints of my photos, or anything made with my photos. I’ve tried selling various hand made items over the years. Soaps and lotions, jewelry, knit or crocheted items, other crafty things. Nobody ever buys anything. I am always trying to find a way to make some money but none of my ideas ever work out like I hope they will.
To be clear I don’t intend for this to be a ‘poor me, don’t you feel so sorry” post. I know it probably seems that way. I just need to get my feelings and worries out; that’s all this is. Venting. Getting it all out. I don’t exactly have anyone to talk to about these things. I have people who will say “I told you so” and throw past mistakes in my face as the reasons why things are so hard for me now. I have people who will say “I wish I could help, but…” – that does me no good and I’m not looking for a handout anyway. I can’t really let the people around me know that I’m crumbling over the way things are… I’m supposed to be the strong one. Unshakable. Happy. I’m not allowed to be sick or sad or worried… maybe I should just tell everyone what I really think and feel. But I just can’t. To explain all the reasons why would make this already too long post more of a novel. My whole point is just that I’m stressed and kind of falling apart, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about these things right now. As such… this post is just me venting. Not asking for a handout or for pity, or even for help or advice. It’s just trying to release some of the stress and worry.